Bloomington
Mediation Group Proposes Settlement to Airport
Noise Suit
April 1, 2007
Richfield,
MN
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The
basic penard model is available in five sizes and
4 colors. Sokitt-Tumi International |
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The
Extreme Edition penard model with optional
Wi-Fi upgrade and custom name engraving. Sokitt-Tumi
International |
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In
a surprise move, Bloomington Legal Arbitration &
Mediation Group (BLAM), announced a solution to
the legal battle between the Metropolitan Airports
Commission (MAC), and the Cities of Minneapolis, Richfield and Bloomington
over continued sound mitigation of
residential homes and businesses.
At
a news conference held March 31, the group announced
a replacement program for the unfinished Part 150
Noise Reduction Program that MAC abruptly terminated
in 2004. The announcement, made at the Embassy Suites
West, was to show off a reduced-cost alternative
to upgrading personal homes, school and businesses
to a tolerable noise level.
The
BLAM proposal would supply every person living within
the 60 DNL (Day/Night Level) or noisier areas, a “Personal
Environmental Noise Reduction Device,” or penard (pronounced
peh-NARD). Similar in function to industrial hearing
protection headsets, the devices could eliminate
up to 20 decibels of ambient or background noise “when
used in conjunction with other relief efforts,” stated
BLAM spokesperson, Patricia Bell.
While
insulating homes in the 60 DNL is estimated to cost
$37,000 each, the penard will cost the MAC approximately
$3.50 each for the basic, all-plastic model. Based
on latest noise contour maps (flex-line 2004),
up to 34,700 adults and children might qualify for
one of several basic models at no personal cost.
Sokitt-Tumi International, the Bloomington-based
tool company,
expects to manufacture the penards
at their plants in Minnesota and China.
Available
at extra cost are several upscale penards including
the 100% recycled “Green,” the virgin-vinyl/titanium “Extreme
Edition” and the all-white “Head
Connect” with
faux iPod connectivity. A completely different
style, the "Bling," by Fallix Inc.,
designed to look like a stand-alone bluetooth earpiece,
is
also being considered. Although prices have not
been set for the optional upgrades,
they
are
expected to be popular among certain demographic
groups.
Minneapolis
Mayor RT Rybak tries on the red Green model of the penard. Southside News |
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As
aircraft roared overhead, BLAM
members encouraged attendees to try on their
favorite model from among the dozens arranged on
mannequin heads at a display booth. Hesitant at first,
Minneapolis Mayor RT Rybak® was smoothly doubtful
about the proposal. While noting that the devices
fit neatly into his "Green Skies" initiative, he was reluctant to drop
the suit. "Look, I've
made a commitment to the legal team. Pulling out
now would mean certain defeat later," the Mayor said.
Still,
the Mayor seemed to enjoy his penard. Choosing an
electric green Extreme Edition to match
his contacts, the Mayor was all grins as he walked
around tapping people on the shoulder and shouting, “Can you
hear me now?”
The
three cities are suing the Metropolitan Airports
Commission (MAC) over the commission's alleged failure
to complete the noise insulation program. In 1996,
the MAC committed to full noise insulation at no
cost for residents whose homes were significantly
impacted by noise from the Minneapolis-St. Paul International
Airport. However, in November 2004, MAC decided that
they would no longer provide noise insulation to
residents, even though they continue to collect a
dedicated $4.50 fee per passenger to do so.
Penards
will be available in infant, toddler, teen, and
XL and XXL adult ear sizes. Each would come in several
fashion colors.
Bloomington
Legal and Mediation Group (BLAM) was founded in 1999
as a non-partisan group of Metro Area lawyers and
legal assistants dedicated to "working
together for the common good of all residents."
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Excerpted from the Southside News
* Note:
Any
resemblance in the above story to actual fact may
be coincidental and could be disregarded, depending
on your mood. April Fools!
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